This summer I want to have fun. I want it to be like I don’t have a care in the world even if my world may be ending or falling down around me. Last summer was unbelievably stressful and it’s not something I want to have to go through again. There were issues with my ex-boyfriend, issues with school and whether or not I would graduate and just a whole lot of headaches.

I want this summer to be like summer 2009 or 2008 where I partied and had fun with my friends. I’m not sure that that person is me anymore though. I tend to genuinely prefer books to people and I can be really awkward in social situations. I’m usually totally unsure about myself and only comfortable around certain people. I tend to dislike alcoholic drinks because alcohol just tastes kind of bad to me (other than wine and beer). But the point is that I just want to regain that carefree feeling I had those summers, the feeling that I would live forever or knowing that even if I didn’t I had fun living. I felt like a star, burning with youth and energy and glowing with life. Now I just feel kind of old and drab. I guess that’s what work does to you eventually.

Thinking about when I was with you makes me realise just how far gone I was. Just how insane I was when I was with you. Literally how crazy I was for you. Looking at it in retrospect from what I now consider to be a stable sane viewpoint, there is absolutely no way I was sane when I was with you. It makes perfect sense when people say crazy in love, at least for me because I am certain that I was, crazy that is.

If that’s what love is I can honestly do without it. There have been times even now when I’ve felt myself on the brink of that madness and I know I’m not in love with him. I could be but I don’t want to go there and neither does he. We’re as far from there as possible but we do care for each other.

If love means going crazy, I don’t need it. Unfortunately I do want it. I miss having that for certain someone I don’t have to second guess or worry about. I was going through my pictures and I saw some of us and I looked so happy and glowy in them all. Even my last real memory of us is me being happy and glowy at graduation dinner. But time passes and some things are just not meant to be. So we’re no longer being.

I don’t doubt that I’ll fall in love again but hopefully this time I’ll be more sane. I don’t think I could stand it again.

lunaticphan:

So my driving instructor texted me, and I was walking so I just typed ‘Ok’ and hit send and then I looked at it and was like WHAT

But as it turns out, my friends are entirely responsible for turning ‘Ok’ into a shortcut. 

Cry